MGW #22 - Integrity is the keystone value
Here are some action items taken from the episode to help you put your company's core values to work:
Step 1: To get your company values off the wall, and actually working in your organization from top to bottom, make sure INTEGRITY tops the list.
Without integrity, your other values are just suggestions.
Step 2: Define integrity. Don't take for granted that everyone knows what it means.
Many companies define integrity as, "do the right thing."
The problem with that is... people can and do argue all day about what the right thing is.
A more practical definition for integrity is Consistency. Consistency of thought word and action. You, your company, me? We have integrity to the degree that our actions are consistent with what we say, is consistent with what we think.
Step 3: Get everyone's explicite buy-in. If you don't have a shared commitment to integrity on your team, then every other value will collapse when it becomes inconvenient enough.
So, Integrity provides structural support for everything you do as a team. Including the primary driver of performance, growth, and fulfillment? A tool that's difficult to wield: FEEDBACK
The shared commitment to integrity helps you as a leader to overcome 4 obstacles to effective feedback.
1st, the THRESHOLD question: A question I hear from leaders often is, at what point do I have to give feedback? How incongruent, how "bad" does behavior have to be before I have to give feedback?
My answer? Use your shared commitment to integrity to rethink the question. Integrity is all or nothing. You're shooting for 100%, so every behavior you see either supports your values and goals, or not. So every behavior is an opportunity for kudos or correction. Thank you. That's the ticket. Or, hey, we're committed to consistency -- and that behavior is inconsistent.
There is no threshold.
2nd, its corollary, the permission objection: Clients tell me, I give feedback, and my team acts put upon. They think I'm patronizing them or they think I'm picking on them. PArt of a shared commitment to integrity is the idea that we're going to talk about the behaviors we see with one another as a team. "Maybe you already know what I'm about to tell you. In being obvious about what I'm seeing, I'm supporting your commitment to integrity. THis is the expectation we have of each other, and permission is granted in advance when getting everyone on board with integrity.
3rd, the Respect Hurdle: The VP I mentioned earlier had a respect problem. Her team didn't respect her because she asked for above and beyond from them, but created policies that prohibited them from going above and beyond for the customer. They felt demoralized, and thought she was a hypocrite. As she committed to integrity -- and as the company came into consistency as well -- the team's respect for her and the company grew. They became less resentful and even appreciative of feedback.
4th, the self-worth challenge: Acting with integrity, growing ever greater integrity is a matter of aspiration. Inconsistency on occasion is a part of the human condition. And our sense of self worth is tied to it. The more we practice integrity, the greater our sense of self and self worth. The greater our sense of self, the more in touch we are with our responses to one another. We're more confident both in giving and in receiving feedback with equanimity and balance.
So, growing integrity is also growing feedback capacity -- as a giver and as a receivier.
For more on how to give and receive feedback effectively, check out my podcast conversation with Elaine Lin Hering on Episode 16 of the Mighty Good Work Podcast.
Thanks for your efforts to make work good. Together we can insure that people are good for work, and work is good for people.
If you're ready for High-Performance Accountability Culture in your company, let's discuss your training goals. Book a call today at TheYesWorks.com.
Check out this episode!
How to Voice Concerns Without Being a Jerk
The Circumstance and The Problem
New ideas represent change. And change implies risk. Risk brings fear. So…
Very often, when one person in the office proposes change, someone else — out of fear — responds with some form of “no.” And, “no” is a communication inhibitor. No takes many forms.
- That’s a good idea, but it won’t work.
- We’ve always done it this way.
- You don’t understand.
- We tried that once and it didn’t work.
- That’s not my job.
We’ve all said these things… and we’ve all been on the receiving end. It feels like talking to a brick wall, or getting a flat tire. It starts an argument, or ends all conversation, or leads to someone pulling rank. And pulling rank is a communication inhibitor.
The Alternative
To keep the discussion rolling try these conversation starting alternatives.
You can say:
- Here’s a challenge we’d need to address.
- To make that work, we’d need X.
- Have you considered Y?
- I’d offer this tweak for that reason.
Taking this open and supportive tack is a communication that you’re on the same team, even if you have reservations.
How to Practice This
There’s a three part principle at work here.
- Leave open the possibility the idea could work. Your perspective may have led you to believe it won’t. You can acknowledge that your perspective — like every person’s perspective — is limited. Therefore solutions may exist that you can’t see.
- Identify potential problems. Your perspective — including your objection — is valuable. You can and should identify and point out potential problems.
- If you can, identify what it would take to make it work. Instead of shooting the idea down, name the problems that would need to be resolved in order to make the idea work.
By following these three guidelines, you become a collaborator instead of a nay-sayer.
Define "Integrity" and Activate Your Company Values
These videos — the first in our Kicker and Shifter series — will help you take your company values off the wall and put them to work in the day-to-day operations of your business.
MGW #21 - “Anxiety Free Workplace” with Bud Torcom
GUEST: Bud Torcom
https://www.linkedin.com/in/budtorcom/
Twitter: @BudTorcom
HIGHLIGHTS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:
Bud Torcom’s Big Hairy Audacious Goal is an anxiety free workplace.
I’ve wanted to treat people the way I want to be treated and work in the kind of workplace I’d want to be working in.
As a digital marketing company, being in the office for normal business hours isn’t necessary.
We’re on a constant, steady drip of the stress hormone, cortisol. OUr bodies did not evolve for a constant cortisol drip. Anxiety is making us sick.
Bud’s not sure an anxiety free workplace is possible. Even so, he’s on a mission to try? to see if it’s possible.
The people of Mazama Media are the face of the company — and the interface of the customers. Happy team members create happy clients.
Human Prairie dog — When each member of the team looks out for the interests of the others, then all individuals feel they can afford to look out for collective interests.
“It’s my responsibility [to take on the stress].”
The message to the team? “The thing that just happened is not going to mean you don’t eat tonight.” You’re not going to lose your job. We’re going to learn from the way things went down.
We’re anticipating dips on the path of growth. Setting expectations of inevitable setbacks helps to smooth out the experience people have of the ups and downs of any business.
“Blame the process, not the person.”
Where did the problem hit? What can we learn about our processes and procedures from each setback, failure, or bump in the road.
People want to have purpose, meaning, and fulfillment.
Checklists help insure success. Set people up for success.
When you work together as a team, and with the support of technology, much fewer errors are missed and less slips through the cracks. Both team redundancy and technology backup makes for effective performance.
Processes and systems get refined over time. Learn from the data and refine as you go.
The message to the team, “These processes and checklists are here to support you.”
Limit the number of things on your list of to dos. A huge list is a stresser. Focus on the few that will have the greatest impact.
Your team is going to be right about their priorities 90% of the time. Go with their gut.
The presence of ping-pong and other games in the modern workplace does have a work relevant role to play — to give the mind a break during which breakthrough can happen.
Bud fires paying clients when they treat his team in ways that he doesn’t want people to be treated.
Prospects who will create anxiety in the organization are disqualified as clients.
Where are the places to relieve stress and anxiety from the whole system — the team, leadership, and clients. Stress is cumulative and contagious.
Prevent burnout by defining limits. Setting limits can enhance performance because results will have to come from effective behaviors over hustle.
Delegation is a leader’s force magnifier.
Richard Branson says that your team comes first, not clients. This is because people who know that someone’s got their back are freed up to care for the clients.
Enough high-level thinking. Here are seven specific actions you can take to reduce anxiety in your organization.
- Blame the process, not the person.
- Build a got your back culture.
- You can get people to do more through praise than through condemning. So praise people.
- Thank people frequently.
- Give people the ability to create. Give them agency to affect the work they do and the way they do it.
- Put relationships first. “It’s never about the thing. It’s always about the relationship.” Build relationships that will deliver results.
- Let the people go surfing.
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Your host on Mighty Good Work is Aaron Schmookler.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/schmookler/
And, we’re The Yes Works — Helping to make work good for people, and make people good for work.
Resources mentioned in today’s show:
Simon Sinek’s book, Leaders Eat Last
And his website: https://startwithwhy.com/
Let My People Go Surfing by Yvon Chouinard of Patagonia
Five Cent Company Culture Upgrade
With just 5 cents, you can make a major upgrade to your company culture. And are you ready for the kicker? You don’t even have to spend the five cents. You can keep your money and still get the upgrade. Look in the sofa cushions, grab five pennies, and read on.
COMPANY CULTURE
There’s a lot of talk about the importance of company culture. There’s not a lot of clarity about what company culture means. At The Yes Works, we have a useful definition of culture:
A company’s culture is the set of contagious tendencies of behavior, language, and values common to the people working there.
Want to know the secret to this five-cent/free company culture upgrade? Thank you. No, I am not thanking you for your interest (although, thank you for your interest). That’s the secret. “Thank you,” is the secret.
Thank you is a behavior that reflects the attitude of the thanker and affects the attitudes and the behavior of the thanked and of everyone who overhears the thanks. In an environment of recognition and gratitude, people are engaged.
A so-called leader I once spoke to said, “Why would I say, ‘Thank you,’ to my employees for doing their job. I pay them. Their paycheck is my thanks.” He wondered why he had to constantly police people to insure they spent their time on task, and why there seemed to be a problem of petty theft at the office. He didn’t believe in a connection. “That’s how people are.”
Whenever I hear, “That’s how people are,” I know that’s a team that could benefit from a shot of Adeptability.
Another employer I met recently complained that her executive assistant said she’d like more feedback. “I don’t know if I’m doing a good job.” This employer bragged, “I told her, ‘You’re still here, aren’t you? I haven’t fired you. That’s how you know that you’re doing well.’” She added, “You can’t coddle people.”
You may find these exchanges cartoonish. The sad truth is, they’re painfully common.
You’re here, reading The Yes Works blog, so your culture and your leadership are doubtless light-years ahead of that. Let’s take it to the next level. Introduce or turn up the volume on a “Thank You” Culture.
“Thank You” Culture
The research shows that if you want performance, you should be thanking people. Non stop. Thank the people who work for you. Thank your customers. Thank your vendors. Thank the people you work for, and those whom you work with. Cultivate a company culture of thanks.
Why bother?
THE THANK YOU ROI
The reasons are simple:
- It’s polite. Don’t get a reputation as a self-centered boor.
- It’s good for relationships, and as you may have heard me say before, “It’s never about the thing. It’s always about the relationship.”
- We crave it. One of the top complaints people have about work, “My contribution is not recognized or appreciated.”
- It’s contagious. When we’re thanked, we thank. Thank a lot, and the thanks are going to propagate all over your company.
- It reinforces the behavior you want. Behavior recognized and rewarded is behavior repeated. Thanks encourage performance.
- Use it or lose it. Behavior not specifically recognized and rewarded fades away. It’s not because people are peevish. It’s the way our brains are wired. Thanks reward the centers of the brain that crave belonging — and those centers are powerful indeed. “Thank you” is the best kind of peer-pressure.
A management truism is, you reliably get what you measure. That’s true of ourselves as well as those we supervise, so we’ve got a tool for you. It’ll help you drive your “thank you” performance.
Five-Cent Thank Yous
Here’s the five-cent tool you don’t have to pay a dime for. It’s an easy and contagious company culture upgrade.
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Put five pennies in your left pocket.
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Every time you thank someone for something they’ve done, move one penny from your left pocket to your right pocket.
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Every single day, make sure you’ve completed the transfer of funds from left to right. That’s 5 thanks a day. Better than an apple for company health.
Sound simple? It is. Still, it can be quite a challenge. We all like to think we’re gracious bosses and colleagues. Fact is, when the pressure is on, when we’re feeling busy and pressed for time, gracious may go right out the window. Saying, “thank you,” it’s only going to count — only going to deliver the benefits — if you’re received as genuine.
There’s a skill to finding and delivering a thank you that’s genuine even when you’re stressed, even when under duress. We’ve got some suggestions.
Here are a few guidelines from our Adeptability program:
- BE SPECIFIC. “Thank you,” even, “Thank you for your work,” is nice but gets limited ROI. Specific is far more powerful. “Thank you for double-checking my work to ensure we’re error free on this report.” That’s specific. That’s powerful. “Thank you for consistently turning your work in ahead of schedule. That keeps us on target for our clients and ensures we have a reputation for value.”
- TALK ABOUT BEHAVIOR. It’s not useful to thank people for generalities or for your interpretation of their attitude — “Thank you for being friendly. Thanks for being awesome.” Thank people instead for behavior. “Thank you for smiling at me this morning.” Thanking someone for being, “helpful,” is fine. Thanking someone for, “giving me a heads-up before the meeting that Greg might need the Klein Numbers,” is better. Not only does that make the behavior easier to repeat. It’s also more gratifying to hear. I know you mean it.
- CULTIVATE GRATITUDE. Nothing is too small to be worthy of thanks. Thanks for holding the door. Thanks for the paper clip. Thanks for hearing me out. Thank you for coming early to the meeting so we could start on time. Thank you for always doing what you said, or communicating in advance if there’s trouble. (Gratitude, by the way, is good for you — physically and psychologically.)
- DEBT ACCUMULATES. CREDIT DOESN’T. Did you miss all your thank yous yesterday? Get ten in today. Did you get ten in yesterday? You still owe five today. (Need proof that this idea that credit doesn’t accumulate is a practical principle of real truth? If you get a bonus this week, is it okay with you if your employer doesn’t pay you next week?)
- SPREAD THE LOVE. Don’t focus all your gratitude on your close-in teammates. Spread some gratitude to others in the group, and also to those outside your department. Together with your teammates, become the “Thank you” department. Build a department reputation for gratitude. Watch how easy it becomes to get things done across silos that used to be like pulling teeth.
BONUS
Are you crushing your thank you numbers? Here are a couple of suggestions for upping your game.
ADVANCED SKILLS:
- FORGET 5 CENTS. Go for 10. Go for 15. When you’ve cultivated your gratitude capacity, you begin to notice oodles of opportunities. It becomes an unstoppable habit. Spread this culture contagion even wider.
- TALK RESULTS. You’ll notice that some of the examples above don’t end with thanks for the behavior. They go on to name the result of the behavior. “Thank you for checking my work,” names a behavior. The likely result, “We turn in an error free product.” You can also build an Accountability Culture on this behavior-results type of feedback. Actually, you can’t separate the two. “Thank you for pointing out where I was failing to deliver.” Behavior. “I’m beginning to notice a tendency I have to gloss over that area of my work, and I’m taking actions to insure I remain attentive.” Result.
- PLANT AND FERTILIZE. Sometimes people hold back the behavior you’re looking for. Maybe they’re not sure you really want it. Maybe they’re uncertain their efforts will be recognized and received. Only getting a shadow of what you’re after? Try thanking people for the whole thing, even if you’re getting only the barest hint. “Thank you for your quality control attention on the whole project like that.” Even if they’ve only been scratching the surface, you’ll watch the behavior grow under a nurturing thanks. Thanking someone for their effort in building a new skill will drive and motivate more effort and faster improvement.
Gratitude is an Adeptability Culture skill. It’s contagious. It’s productive. It’s not the only way to get exceptional results. It is one of the easiest and most sustainable ways to drive ever improving performance and productivity.
And it does a body good. Pass it on.
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Communication and collaboration are some of the hardest things to get right in any company culture, and the difficulty increases exponentially as you add more people to the team. Adeptability Training gets teams communicating and collaborating effectively as a matter of habit and mindset. Book a call today.
Month End Sales: Boom or Bust
It’s Month End Sales time.
Sales Leaders and Sales Pros… As we near the end of the month, you may be feeling pressure. Maybe it’s self-imposed. Maybe it’s coming from above. Maybe both. Pressure to hit your numbers. Especially now as we head into Q4. Don’t turn month end sales into relationship-end sales.
Remember, your numbers for this month are a part of quarterly goals which in turn are a function of annual goals. Do you want to hit those numbers? Of course. I want you to hit them too.
And if you’re feeling a ton of pressure, I hope you can chill out so your sales don’t. Some pressure can motivate and drive performance. Too much pressure cools sales performance.
Because pressure will always find an outlet. Too often, your best prospects may be that outlet.
TOO COMMON MONTH END SALES BLUNDER
When the pressure is mild or moderate, you remember you’re here to provide value to your clients. Same with your team of sales pros. When the pressure mounts, however, you and your sales pros go into self-preservation mode. That’s how your brain is wired. Survival is job number one. And heavy pressure feels like a threat to survival. It makes us tone-deaf.
Many people in sales start calling people to talk about the end of the month. “I need to finish the month strong. Let’s do this.” Or, “Because we’re nearing the end of the month, we’re offering a great deal — limited time.” Maybe, “It’s that time again… I need to close out the month with a bang. Do you have any referrals for me?”
There’s a problem with this approach. When you make it about you, your prospects run away. They know you’re no longer there to help them. You’re there to help you.
A BETTER WAY TO CLOSE MONTH END-SALES
I want you and your team to close out the month strong. Bring home the fruits of your labors. Make it about the client — just like you have been since your first call. Don’t let the end of the month pressure sour the relationship you’ve worked so hard to build. Build the relationships further.
Keep thinking and talking about your clients’ and prospects’ needs and goals — not your numbers. How does the end of the month affect them? How does the arrival of Q4 affect them? How can you help?
Remember, it’s not their job to help you hit your numbers. It’s your job to hit your numbers by providing value to them.
If you and your team have been cultivating relationships and providing value, keep it up. Make the end of the month a great time to ask for the business, if the relationship is ripe and the qualification and alignment complete. If not, keep moving the relationship forward. Close the next step.
If you’re feeling the pressure of Month-End, turn up the intensity of your activity adding value to your contacts and prospects.
There’s an important and relevant principle of Adeptability at play here: It’s never about the thing. It’s always about the relationship.
When folks put “the thing” — the sale, the outcome, the goal — ahead of the relationship, they sometimes get what they’re after. When you put “the relationship” — value, good will, understanding, communication, alignment, affinity, support — first, you’ve got something that will add value today, tomorrow, next year… a decade from now.
Relationships first. Sales come from that. So do referrals. And long-term clients. And enduring trust.
BONUS
When you ramp up your efforts to add value to the lives of your prospects at the end of the month, you can see just how fun it is to be out there adding value. You can see just how fun it is to operate at the top of your game. You’ll get into a flow state, and grow your capacity to perform. You’ll feel alive.
And you can make that your new normal. That’s a rewarding mode of operation.
https://instagram.com/p/BTSH5ppl5RL/
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If you’re interested in Adeptability Training to boost sales on your team, read more here.
MGW #20 - “Dream Big. Perform Big” with Dan Ralphs
GUEST: Dan Ralphs
www.thedreamblog.com
Twitter: @dreamtolead
https://www.linkedin.com/in/dan-ralphs/
HIGHLIGHTS FROM OUR CONVERSATION:
You can’t teach another person anything they don’t want to learn. They have to choose to learn it. If you can’t motivate people to choose to learn and grow, you won’t be very successful as a teacher? or as a leader.
There’s a magic lever you can use to awaken that intrinsic motivation. It’s the question, “What’s the future for you? I’m an advocate for you.” Give them ownership of their future.
We’re afraid of letting our people define success for themselves. We can trust our employees a lot more than we do to define an ambitious success outcome.
People can and will be able to create a balance and synthesis of self-interest and company-interest. They can comprehend the interdependence.
As a leader, ask yourself? Do I diminish or increase those who report to me? Do you think of them as being as capable, well-intentioned, and hard-working as you are? If not, how does your communication to and about them reflect those beliefs?
Every company should have a dream manager. That may sound like a silly idea. It’s mutually transformative.
OUr brains are designed to help us survive. We’re programed to seek sameness and to resist change. So we get into routines, and then into stasis. We resist change and growth.
Dreams are those things that we want and that lie outside our comfort zone and that can be expressed in language.
Try this: Make a list of 100 Dreams. Then choose one you could accomplish in 12-18 months. And commit to that dream. Make it happen. Get someone to hold you accountable. Watch yourself expand and grow to make that accomplishment a reality.
Dreaming and executing on those dreams grow a capacity to perform that an employer benefits from.
Intense side-hustling employees are higher performers than those with no side hustle.
At Infusionsoft, the word “Dreamer” is akin to “Entrepreneur.” It’s someone with vision who brings vision into the world as reality.
Managers hold people accountable to their dreams and to the steps it takes to achieve them. We invite managers and team members to dream together. That amplified the results.
To create change, we need a community of people to believe in us even when maybe we don’t believe in ourselves.
There are two parts of dream making: Imagining. And, Executing. These are fundamental business skills. Most people are much stronger in one than in the other. And the capacity in the other can be learned and grown.
There’s great power in imagining possibilities — and in aligning resources to support a desired possibility.
If this improbable thing were possible, then what would it take for us to get there?
Theoretically, it’s possible historically has turned into in actuality, it exists.
Having a Dream Manager is a recruiting draw. The greatest benefit to Infusionsoft, though, is the growth of our employees.
We want to see leaders recognize that part of their opportunity is to help those that they lead to aspire to bigger things, believe they’re capable of bigger things, and to put plans and actions into place to accomplish bigger things.
We can magnify those whom we lead.
Believe in people. When we believe in people, they are magnified and they accomplish more than they coul dhave without your belief buoying them up.
Your host on Mighty Good Work is Aaron Schmookler.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/schmookler/
And, we’re The Yes Works — Helping to make work good for people, and make people good for work.
Resources mentioned in today’s show:
Liz Wiseman’s book, Multipliers
Matthew Kelly’s book, The Dream Manager
www.thedreamblog.com and Dream School
You're Doing Conflict Wrong
(Like this content about workplace conflict, but want to hear about it instead of reading about it? Here’s the companion podcast episode.)
If you’ve got two people who interact, sooner or later, they’re going to come into conflict. It’s a fact of human relationships.
This article is about transforming conflict and using it to your advantage. If conflict seems like something to avoid… If it seems like something you can win… Then, you’re doing it wrong.
When people come to workplace conflict hoping and striving to win, then it’s only conflict itself that wins. (Did that sound cheesy?)
What’s wrong?
Some people are conflict avoidant. Some people are conflict seeking. Whatever our conflict tendency, the vast majority of us are doing it wrong the majority of the time.
When we find ourselves in a disagreement, many of us do one of two things.
- Some of us widen our eyes, straighten up, and start arguing our case to win the argument. I call this the Stand and Fight.
- Others of us lower our eyes, shrug our shoulders, walk away, and resign ourselves to the certain outcome that things won’t go our way. I call this the Slump and Slink.
Most of us do each of these things at different times and in different circumstances. Avoiders sometimes go on the attack, and fighters sometimes flee.
It doesn’t mean we’re bad people — the fact the we do conflict wrong. It makes sense we’d respond this way. Our brains are wired by ages of evolution to preserve our lives. Being a jerk at work is a survival reflex. You’ve heard of “fight or flight.” Here it is. Argue = fight. Resign yourself = flight.
Your more primitive brain regions see disagreement with a colleague, anticipate conflict, and categorize that conflict as a threat to life and limb. Rationally, you know that threat isn’t real. Rational mind, though, has been nearly shut off. Primitive brain regions have coopted the rational mind.
What’s it cost to get workplace conflict wrong?
If it’s my brain acting on instinct, my response to conflict is nature. Why fight “fight or flight?” Why not let nature do its thing?
Well, combat and hiding both have costs.
- Combat deteriorates relationships in ways we’re all aware of. Combative posturing leads to mistrust and resentment. So does hiding — in more subtle ways. We pick up on the subtle signals when people disagree but acquiesce anyway. We see them hiding their disapproval like a kid in class who thinks they’re adeptly passing notes unnoticed. It feels manipulative. We’re uncertain where we stand, and so the relationship is full of uncertainty and discomfort. Without candor, there’s no trust.
- Even though the points of disagreement loom large, there’s usually more common ground than there is difference. When we enter combat mode, that common ground gets lost. Team cohesion suffers, and adversarial stances prevent good information from being heard. The points of disagreement are almost always relatively small. In the scheme of things, the common ground you share outweighs the difference 100 fold. It’s the difference that gets all the attention, and the context of affinity gets lost.
- When we avoid workplace conflict, valid concerns that could benefit the relationship and the organization don’t get the attention they deserve. Disasters (large or small) may result from the lack of information sharing. Same thing when you voice your concerns at the top of your lungs. You’re telling everyone why you disagree. And you may have very important points. If you’re on the offensive, however, instead of calmly sharing your concerns, people get defensive in response. They stop listening. You may be right, but by behaving aggressively, you insure that you’re not heard.
- People say quietly to themselves, “I knew it. Saw that coming.” People feel distanced from each other, and judge others as unwise, and pushy. “If only they’d asked me, I could have told them.” Team cohesion suffers. Resentment builds in all directions.
So, if our primitive brains lead us to this kind of behavior, what can we do about it?
Slow Down
Your primitive brain, and the fight or flight response is powerful, but it’s not the only game in town. You can teach yourself to override it.
1. Breathe: Try something called box breathing. Practice it anytime you feel a bit anxious or angry.
- Breathe in for a count of four.
- Hold your breath for four.
- Breathe out on a count of four.
- Hold for four.
- Breathe in for four.
- Repeat.
This may not be practical during an argument, but it’s great before initiating a conversation that you anticipate may be stressful. And, even during the interaction, bringing your attention to your breath, and doing this box breathing as much as possible is a powerful fight or flight defuser. Just ask a Navy Seal. This is a technique they use in actual battle.
2. Look for common ground. Whether your impulse is to fight or to hide from the conflict at hand, you’re focused on the differences between you. And either way, your brain is racing. It’s going a mile a minute. Your primitive brain has given your rational mind an assignment, “Identify all threats and all weapons to counter those threats and all means of hiding from those threats.” Your rational mind is good at that, but it’s now using that talent for assessment in an irrational fashion. It’s operating from the conclusion, and finding support. That’s backwards. Here’s an opportunity to practice the principle derived from the system of improvisation — YES, AND. Prompt yourself with phrases like:
- “Here’s what I like about this…”
- “I think we agree on X, Y, and Z.”
- “I can see we’re not on the same page about some stuff. Before we get into that, let’s work together for a moment to find all the areas of common ground.”
3. Puzzle it. Now that you’re calm, and standing on a wide swath of common ground, you and your collaborator can look at your points of distance and debate them. Investigate them. Try on each other’s perspective and see how it fits. Distance yourself from your ideas. You’re looking together at a jigsaw puzzle, trying to find the solution. Your pieces aren’t better or worse. They’re not even yours. Theirs neither. They’re not your ideas or their ideas. All ideas are joint property. They’re all just puzzle pieces. And they either fit, or they don’t.
4. Murder the unchosen alternatives. When the decision is made about which direction to go down — yours, theirs, a third unrelated one or a hybrid of the two — put your doubts to rest. You may not be able to quash them, but don’t feed them. Instruct yourself, “We’ve made a decision. Whether I agree with it or not is irrelevant. That ship has sailed, and my job is to back this plan of action to the hilt.” Every plan of action but the one that was chosen is done. Burn your boats. Don’t dwell. And if it’s your plan that’s in action, don’t gloat.
Reap the benefits
By following this approach to difference and workplace conflict, you’ll reap rewards. Your relationships will thrive. Your blood pressure will improve. Your organization’s decision making will be more effective. Your results will be better.
If you want, you can think of this as the “BLIMP” method. If you look above, you’ll see the steps… BLPM. Ok. BLIMP is a stretch. I just know people like acronyms.
Know anyone who’d benefit from this article? Please feel free to share it or it’s companion podcast episode far and wide.
MGW #19 - You’re Doing Conflict Wrong
There’s a lot out there about how to reduce conflict at work. A lot of the stuff out there is very good.
This episode is about transforming conflict, and using it to your advantage. If conflict seems like something to avoid? If it seems like something you can win? Then, you’re doing it wrong.
We’ve got a companion blog post you can read. For those of you who don’t have time for well thought out articles, here’s your Mighty Good Work ADEPTability Skills Checklist:
Slow Down
Your primitive brain, and the fight or flight response is powerful, but it’s not the only game in town. You can teach yourself to override it.
- Breathe: Try something called box breathing. Practice it anytime you feel a bit anxious or angry. Breathe in for a count of four. Hold your breath for four. Breathe out on a count of four. Hold for four. Breathe in for four. Repeat. This may not be practical during an argument, but it’s great before initiating a conversation that you anticipate may be stressful. And, even during the interaction, bringing your attention to your breath, and doing this box breathing as much as possible is a powerful fight or flight defuser. Just ask a Navy Seal. This is a technique they use in actual battle.
- Look for common ground. Actually take a moment with your collaborator, your employee, your negotiating partner, whomever. Name the things you agree on in detail — breadth and depth. Notice how much common ground you have that surrounds the points of contention. It’ll put the disagreement in perspective and remind you of how aligned you truly are.
- Puzzle it. Sit on the same side of the table — literally or figuratively — and investigate the problem. You’re looking together at a jigsaw puzzle, trying to find the solution. Your pieces aren’t better or worse, or even yours. Theirs neither. They’re not your ideas or their ideas. All ideas are joint property. They’re all just puzzle pieces. And they either fit, or they don’t.
- Murder the unchosen alternatives. When the decision is made about which direction to go down — yours, theirs, a third unrelated one or a hybrid of the two — put your doubts to rest. You may not be able to quash them, but don’t feed them. Instruct yourself, “We’ve made a decision. Whether I agree with it or not is irrelevant. That ship has sailed, and my job is to back this plan of action to the hilt.” Every plan of action but the one that was chosen is done. Burn your boats. Don’t dwell. And if it’s your plan that’s in action, don’t gloat.
Reap the benefits
By following this approach to difference and conflict, you’ll reap rewards. Your relationships will thrive. Your blood pressure will improve. Your organization’s decision making will be more effective. Your results will be better.
If you want, you can think of this as the “BLIMP” method. If you look above, you’ll see the steps? BLPM. Ok. BLIMP is a stretch. I just know people like acronyms.
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Your host on Mighty Good Work is Aaron Schmookler.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/schmookler/
And, we’re The Yes Works — Helping to make work good for people, and make people good for work.